Why My Heart Aches And I Won't Shut Up About Love

My Legacy Shall Be LOVE and these words.

• Dreams Of Romance

As a little girl, I would go to bed praying to marry the cutest boy in class, have a big house, with kids… maybe a dog?

As a teenager I was daydreaming about this one guy who never knew he existed in my world (did I even exist in his?).

Late teens, I fell in love… Madly, deeply (doo for the Savage Garden fans ;) )

• Committed Relationships

As an adult, I only knew long term relationships, went from one to the other to the other, with little breaks in between, 9 months roughly every time (time for a rebirth cycle!)

After years in toxic relationship patterns, from a controling borderline narcissist (to whom I was totally submissive) to the joyful generous alcoholic with unresolved trauma, I took the step to choose myself. Relationship after relationship. Wondering where I gathered this strength and how many people stay in the wrong situations just because they don’t believe they are worth anything “more” than what they get, because they are scared that they will never find someone “as good as this person”.

I couldn’t believe looking back at myself how I could have thought I wouldn’t be able to: survive, get by, live, or even meet someone else after each of these. Mesmerising how the wrong situation can really impact your self-worth. And I know what a privileged baseline I have.

I actually made a pact with myself to one day find a way to empower people to build up the courage to choose themselves and leave toxic situations. To find the courage to build themselves back up because we ALL can. Regardless of our background and education and support network and circumstances.

I got to a point of self-realisation, I started writing my own blog, I went on my first self-funded holiday to Ibiza (the first one I was 17 with my first big love and his mom was hosting me for Xmas).

• The Big Adult Grounded Love

Until I met someone and I thought we were IT. The story was romantic, we met on holiday in Spain even though we were almost neighbours in London, he ticked all the boxes. Tall, dark, handsome, ambitious, healthy, into the same music, loved traveling, experienced world traveler, liked nice things, talked with me about existentialism for hours… I even knew my parents would like him. Perfectly perfect for my London life. I remember saying to a friend, “I know I will marry this man one day”.

And then life drew us apart, our values started clashing, and my heart started calling me elsewhere… Barcelona.

Rewind to early adulthood, I had spent a summer there and I fell in love with the city. For so many years I felt more at home there than anywhere else in the world. And early in this last relationship I said “one day I’ll be living in Barcelona”. He even addressed it “how would we make this work?”. Eventually, when things started to fall apart and accelerated through the chaos of Covid (which I said to him at the time wouldn’t be the worst thing we’d have to endure in our lifetimes) my mind started to dream up the Barcelona life. Until it was time and we split up, I slowly packed up my London life and moved to Spain.

Until that moment, love had mostly been about relationships, family and friendship love.

Then I moved to Spain, and I fell in love with life. Got lucky and landed in what seemed like the best flat of all Barceloneta, certainly the best view.

I was in full GRATITUDE frequency.

• Return of early 2000s Transcendental LOVE

As life had it, my first BIG love from when I was 17 years old entered in my life again. And even though it was a six months stint it was deep, intense, transcended time and space, fusional, darkness and light merging into one. The skies were electric a few times we were together, big storms happened. You can’t make this up really.

• The Journey Of Self-Love

And after choosing myself, again, I was left with a deep gaping wound. Not just the wound from his love but from all the loves before and from the little girl in me who really really wanted a partner for life. Someone to create a family with, someone to share my dreams with, someone I can lean on in times of need and someone who can cheer me in times of doubts… Someone other than me.

And so my journey with self-love truly begins. I realised that my partner of 8 years was never able to make me feel desired because I didn’t feel desirable within my own skin. Which maybe to most men sounds crazy, but I feel every woman I’ve spoken to shares this discomfort of not being slim, fit, toned, smooth enough.

So I delve deep. Into family constellations, into kundalini activation, trauma release, addressed the good girl, the sacred slut, the mother wound, the unworthy one, the controling, the “need to know where this is going”, the rebel, the quiet, the witch wound, and all the various parts of me in therapy.

And I delved deeper, I started to guide spaces, womens circles, yoga nidra practices, mixed circles, for coworking spaces, private events, birthdays, private card readings, yoga flow classes at the beach, paddle yoga classes, nutrition workshops… you name it! I stepped into my role as a medicine woman, just like I had manifested, just like I had wanted.

I started a training in transformational breathwork and energy work.

And I felt fully myself, my heart felt so full I wanted to cry. At the end of a particular ceremony in July I sat down taking in what had just happened and realised I had arrived. My soul was finally at home in this body and life.

And of course I had forgotten how I had felt this before, in the ceremonies I coguided with a friend back home, when I brought meditation to my office in 2019, when I guided yoga practices then too, and even when I stepped on a stage in front of 500+ Europe Leaders at Uniqlo to share the benefits of Yoga Nidra and Mindfulness for mental health.

That year I even set myself up as a consultant, without a blueprint, without a spreadsheet (only for the first week anyway). I let my intuition guide me, I let the right help come to me, and I worked hard through it, undeniably.

Again, I reached a point of self-realisation that I felt as proud as the tower of Liberty. I even took myself to New-York and fulfilled this childhood dream of mine without relying on a partner to swoop me off my feet. I was my own partner.

I had made a new connection during this phase, but he was far away, not available. I, myself, wasn’t available.

I was still in love… With Barcelona.

• The Hardest Of All Heartbreaks.

In 2024, I lost my traditional work identity and my home identity.

My flat, my haven, my sanctuary, the cocoon that had been the birthplace of my many creative projects came to an end. I had to leave it. I was devastated.

I knew it was right. I had to let go of my only consultancy client at the time. I entered in scarcity, in fear.

• The War Context

Early 2024 before the Barcelona breakup kicked off, I went away to Terrassa for the weekend to visit a friend of mine.

I understand this tale has been about me myself and I so far and I’d like to offer some world news context. We know what happened in early 2024, the genocide in Gaza began.

Actually rewind to July 2016, I remember being in Ibiza during the terrorist attacks in Nice. Partying in space with friends and whilst in the cubicle my friend tells me from the adjacent one what she has just read. I remembered the deep feeling of grief. I know Nice, lovely place, lovely people, families celebrating. Why the destruction, for which motive? It’s going to sound so silly (basic b*tch) but the next day we were buying friendship bracelets in Benirrás beach and I remember wishing for world peace, for terrorist attacks to stop altogether.

Not sure why I’m mentioning this. Maybe because in the background of our own stories exists the international affairs, the movements rising, the terrible news, the nationalism, the separation, the grief from family, friends who suddenly take their own life, or who leave so abruptly it’s like they’ve been stolen off the Earth… It’s all intertwined and interconnected. Although of course my life often feels like a wonderful kaleidoscope, a facet of the human experience which feels full of sparkles and joyful moments, from minimalists to what I deem glamorous, and yet mostly simple, at least authentic.

So… I’m an eternal optimistic, a lover of love, a heart-led utopist.

And when I heard about Gaza my heart broke. Because something in me was telling me this was going to be painful. It’s the birthplace of our civilization. How can we destroy ourselves this way.

Don’t get me wrong, I was also affected by the war in Ukraine in February 2022. These conflicts were so close to home. It also happened I fractured my ankle that day and most of my available brain power when to solving this in the moment that took place abroad with no insurance cover and a dodgy cast.

So, January 2024. Social media is kicking off. Division even more exacerbated, between people who aren’t even on site. Friends who can no longer be in the same room (physical and virtual). I’m standing still. The protest was happening in Barcelona and I was in Terrassa to visit my friend Mar. What do I do?

• The Inception of 5MIN4LOVE

My friend took us on a hike to her favourite spot, high up, and after I found a grounding tree to sit next to (I’m afraid of heights so I need them to feel safe to sit), I sat down and meditated.

I actively remembered a yogi tea label I had read “Empty yourself and let the universe fill you”. I was also questioning my life purpose, with all these circles and my “Elemental Longevity” brand that seemed so obscure to many. What is it that I really do? How to explain it?

So I recited in my mind: Who am I? Who am I?

I am the elements…

I am the elements…

I am love

I am the elements I am love, I am the elements I am love.

I am the water air fire air and ether. I am love. I am love. I am love.

Space. I am nothing. I am nothing, I am everything. I am whole.

After a while my mind stopped racing and I started feeling my heart beating in my chest. I am here.

My heart… I’m here.

I laid down and looked up at the sky.

My friend was next to me.

I said to her “Why isn’t everyone connecting with their heart?”

Imagine if instead of fighting, working, doing, struggling, hustling, we all paused and connected with our heart, before we took the next step.

“What would happen?”

“Could people still killing each other if they had connected with their heart just before?”

“Remember these minutes of silence to remember those who have died during the war? For the people who have fought for the country”

“Imagine if everyone connected with their own heartbeat and then connected this resonance to the heartbeat of others. Could we shift the Earth’s Frequency to vibrate higher to the frequency of love?”

This is an unedited recording of the day of 5MIN4LOVE’s inception.

In a space of two weeks Mar and I gathered 60 people to sign-up to the online event.

The month after was 30 and the month after that 15 and I started running them bi-monthly and after that it was circling around 5 people every time. I lost the momentum I had these first two weeks of course. Past recordings can be found here.

If I’m honest, I left these lives feeling full and empty at once. It’s like I connected to the grief hidden deep within my heart by accessing this portal.

I also understood there why people don’t want to connect with the heart. Because the grief that lies there is too painful to hold.

• The Barcelona Breakup

So… After feeling the heartache of lost lovers, the heartache of the world, life got me to feel the heartache of losing my own dream life. It felt so short lived I was almost upset. My consultancy work and my flat. In the grand scheme of things, at the scale of life, I know it’s ok. But I felt the despair, the hurt, the not knowing and because in that moment, I didn’t see that I still had my most valuable asset: myself.

After one of the 5MIN4LOVE, I was talking to one of my dear friends (Marine, if you read these words, it’s you, I love you!) and she said she loved these moments of connection and it left her wanting more, to exchange more on the subject with people, to share a journey, to explore the different types of loves she felt, for Barcelona, for her friends, for her mom…

And in that moment, Lightbulb moment, as the true generator I am, I ran with it: “I’m going to create a 14 days of love journey” which will start on the 1st of May and we will explore Love beyond romance, and all the facets of love, from boundaries, to giving and receiving love, to connecting with the heart, to the heart and mind connection, etc etc etc

So in 3 days I managed to convince 80 people to sign-up to this. All through my own contacts, people I met at local events and my friends from the UK. Because although it’s not always their jam, they support me. And I had some friends, yes you Marine, share it with their friends and colleagues and more beautiful souls who also shared it beyond.

• 14 Days Of Love: My Anchor & Life-Line

So here I am, things in storage from 30 April, I move out on 1 May and record my first two days from my old home… Empty of my stuff, empty of my energy in some ways.

I go around Barcelona with my microphone, laptop and improvised on the go system to create these daily recordings on zoom, export, convert, crop and send + put an alarm at 7am daily to send it to the group then alongside the journaling cue.

All the whilst living in 3 different places in the space of 14 days (it’s not so bad). It actually was my anchor, my grounding practice, it gave me a sense of purpose amidst the shift I was going through. It allowed me to remain connected with my heart even though I was really stepping into the unknown without any of my previously existing pillars.

And I do feel this is the medicine that comes through this journey.

A friend of mine signed up later as she was going through a divorce and it was a major anchor for her too, it allowed her to maintain her heart open to receive the love of her family, friends and kids, even though it was grieving the lost love of her husband, and more importantly it helped her feel more presence at work. Being a physiotherapist, she relies on her intuition to know where and how to manage the tension in their bodies. The programmed helped her do just that (must upload her testimonial).

If you are interested in signing up to it please do so here.

RECEIVE THE 14 DAYS PROGRAMME ON WHATSAPP »

Note: I am charging because I paid someone to setup the automation and have purchased softwares to keep that running. If for whatever reason you feel it is not valued accurately feel free to feedback!

• Life without a life-line

The hardest part about change is the unknown. We never know where we’re going to next.

In my mind at the time my plan was to go to Greece all summer and facilitate yoga, breathwork etc. Armed with my practitioner CV I started sharing it to places there only to realise it was too late in the season (May for July!!) and so I decided to return to France. Within four days I got two opportunities to facilitate breathwork there via my mom’s yoga teacher.

I then had a few engagements in Europe, visiting friends, assisting at a Festival in the “Safe Space” tent for those who have taken a little too much of whatever their substance of choice is, welcoming them with palo santo and a little disappointed to see the Oracle cards never had an opportunity to come out…! One needs to be present for it to make sense!

• A Summer Of Tears & Reflection

When I got to France mid July, exactly a month ago for that matter, I paused EVERYTHING. I had no job, no partner, no home, no activity, it was all empty, blank slate. At 38 years old. Not what I had expected. So I had to grief that too.

And after spending 10 days of sitting in almost silence, almost stillness, dotted with minor family drama, moments in the sun, crying sessions on my parent’s terrace because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

But I couldn’t open up to anyone about it because I didn’t want to worry them and I didn’t want the solutions I thought they would give me, such as “why don’t you just get a job?”

I really just wanted to be told that I am a smart resourceful woman and I’ll always be ok! Again, I now realise that when the external world doesn’t give me what I want to hear it’s because I am myself not sure of it. And now, I know :)

• From Hopeless To Writing

So, on July 2027 I started writing… And was born The Soft Space.

And this became my lifeline, you, my dear readers, became my lifeline.

I suddenly had a channel, away from the cruel comparisons of hyper prepared, visually pleasing and most of the time inauthentic unreal reels of Instagram.

I had a channel for my own words. I could let the flow of consciousness traverse me and pour onto the screen just from the tap of my 10 fingers on the keyboard. Good question: do you use all 10 fingers when you type on a laptop? I believe to the most although it seems my right pinkie gets very little action. Maybe I’ll give him the honour of the backspace now and then… Or maybe even the “Enter” key!

This is enough for today my friends, the story of my permanent heart ache, my mouth which won’t stop talking about love and my fingers who won’t stop typing about heart-centered living is to be continued…