When the Life You Built Doesn't Feel Like Enough

Holding the frequency of love in the face of adversity

These last few weeks have been tough… I’ve not found a way to write about what has been moving through me.

Fatigue, despair, wanting to retrieve, to hide, to burn everything to the ground, wanting to disappear. And then daily life bringing me back to the present, the beauty of the people and places that surround me. Only reflecting something that exists within me right?

And yet I’ve felt so alien to it. As if detached, feeling a tightening in my throat and desire to cry almost every day.

I look around and I am living the life I’ve dreamt of for years. And yet deep within I don’t feel like it’s lasting. I’m feeling the ephemeral nature of this existence. Both content with everything that has been achieved to date,

And I can’t quite grasp why or how but the overall feeling has been of despair, decay, wanting to stop everything I’m doing to reassess and review.

I’m not going to lie, my nervous system has been sensing something big, a deep inner contraction (before expansion?), a part of me still attached to the old safety paradigm, grieving the decay of it, and at the same time I’ve been wanting to express myself into something more authentic, more profound, more embodying of my multi-dimensionality.

I’m conflicted, I think I know what would allow me to sell myself quickly and easily but I am shape shifting and as I am in this process it is almost impossible to sell myself clearly.

I know what I offer but I can no longer package it neatly, and that terrifies me.

I live to enhance, problem-solve and simplify. But my wound is complexity, my own and the one I project onto the world.

And then the simplicity of a sunset, a walk in nature, a dip in the sea, brings me back to myself.

What is most important to me?

Foundations

Stability

Sustainability

Beauty

Community

Empowerment

I am faced daily with my own forgetting of my power. The power structures that are in place in the world are creating an illusion that power lies in something outside of us, and yet it is all within.

What if for a moment, I could feel that I contain everything I need? What if for a moment you could too?

What is that essence? Is it love? Could you trust yourself with it? How can you keep returning to it in times of transition and uncertainty?

I created 14 Days of love in a time of transition, when my work and home pillars ended, and there was no “romantic” partner to hold me through it. A community of 80 people showed up for the first group journey and almost 100 more have journeyed with it since.

Here’s my 14 Days of Love Meditation and Journaling journey. If you want to explore what it means to cultivate this love for life, for yourself, for the world around and within you, this is for you. If you want to explore how love can be the medicine that guides you back to your heart’s dreams and the strategy to align this reality with it, this is for you.

Much love

Camille