How To Kill Performance

Why You're Worthy Beyond Results

I had a moment the other night. I felt a big craving for carbs.

I’ve realised now, these cravings are not from hunger. I was rummaging through the cupboards, but I’m currently journeying with Bobinsana (this is for another post), and part of the dieta is no gluten.

And so I grabbed a carrot...

It was totally unsatisfying… ok, maybe 20% satisfying. Crunch crunch.

But I was still pacing in my flat and then I lay down on my sofa and held myself: what is it? What do you need? What is going on?

“WHEN WILL YOU EVER STOP PERFORMING?” “STOP PERFORMING! STOP PROVING YOUR WORTH” “STOP” “ARRÊTE.”

It came out big and loud like an inner cry. And in my mind was a visual of a black screen with red splatters.

A murder scene, or maybe the kind of crackling that you notice on fire logs at their hottest. A blend of fire and air energy.

Really odd, because all day that day I had felt on top of the world, in full expansion, filled with ideas, inspiration and desire to just create and share and gather around my soul mission.

And yet…

It was too much intensity. Was I telling myself “this is too much”? Or was I just observing? And I continued observing myself. With gratitude for this present feeling but not too much attachment to it staying.

I got on a call with other women, an online women’s circle. And then I noticed myself, expanding in my full light Leo energy, radiating with excitement. And the other women were radiating their own energy. And suddenly it hit me. Was I performing?

I wasn’t sharing something inauthentic in itself, because I truly felt it in that moment. But I felt a mixture of guilt for feeling so expansive. I questioned myself for being in this Maiden energy (coincidentally it’s my follicular phase so… makes sense!) and for not being more in my Crone, in the observant, slower, quieter self.

With scrutiny, observing myself a little closer, I feel I can sense performance in the presence of others. It’s so subtle. I say what they want to hear, I stay longer because I feel like they want me to, I do what I can to make them feel at ease, I want to soften the edges of my truth for them…

Ah… I remember why I felt so on top of my game that day… I spent HOURS on my consultancy work.

It’s an amazing project, full of experiential magic. And it activates something that is very YANG in me. Because I understand systems, flows, and I’m able to facilitate workshops that respond to systems, data, consumer and stakeholder-level requirements. I see it all, I translate it into a visual, and I’m good at running it. And so it feeds my self-worth. And so I do more of it, I extend the hours, I work through the night…

But I realised… how do I feed my self-worth when I am not achieving this type of work?

Is it the number of breathwork ceremonies I guide? The number of new moon circles? The corporate workshops? The number of articles I write for Substack?

I have slowed down with my writing. It isn’t from having less to write about, but it is from a desire to produce less. Although writing feels like creating, I feel there is SO MUCH in the ether. And I know we all have something valuable to say, that maybe one soul will see value in.

But what I’m realising about my values and the message I’m here to share is that sometimes we just need to keep the space empty.

Void.

No numbers.

No expectations.

No markers of success.

Just stillness.

Breath.

Life.

Can I be worthy just by existing?

Can I celebrate waking up and breathing every day as enough?

Can I leave empty spaces in conversation?

Can I cultivate joyful stillness?

You are worthy because you are alive.

FULL STOP.

Photo by Valentin Vlasov on Unsplash