Breaking the Tormentor-Victim Pattern
A Tale Of Passionate Love Turning Sour
I am so strong.
Each time I encounter a situation that brings this pattern to life—whether in my own relationships or through observing others—I realise this strength anew.
I feel deeply for all the humans out there stuck in this cycle. Many believe it’s love that keeps them there, but it’s not… far from it. It feels more like attachment.
At one point, I thought my mission was to remind those caught in the tormentor-victim pattern that they are stronger than this and worthy of so much more. But then I realised my own strategy has often been to escape.
Now, instead of running, I’m choosing to state my truth.
Do You Keep Reliving a Lesson?
Do you have a lesson you keep learning? A pattern that repeats until you finally absorb its message?
For me, this pattern feels visceral, almost ancestral. I know I’ve experienced it myself, and I see it play out in the lives of so many others.
Here’s the tale:
The Cycle of the Tormentor and Victim
For simplicity, let’s call the “victim” the one and the “tormentor” the other.
It begins with the one—often an independent, intelligent, and loving person who feels mostly happy but longs for companionship, love, and connection.
Then comes the other. Unlike previous encounters that didn’t feel quite right, this one seems perfect. They share so much, feel so much—physically, emotionally, and even sexually. It’s fireworks.
The other showers the one with love, compliments, and attention. Needs are met effortlessly, without the one even having to ask. Bliss turns into a bond, and it feels eternal.
Over time, though, the one sees fewer friends and family. Those closest to them might express concern:
“Is this moving too fast?”
“Do you still have time for yourself?”
“Are you forgetting us?”
This pressure from loved ones only strengthens the bond between the one and the other. It becomes “us against the world.” The relationship grows more intense, often codependent.
The Shift
Then comes a shift. The one makes a “mistake” or doesn’t meet the other’s expectations. The other—perhaps carrying their own pressures or frustrations—snaps.
This might manifest as anger, criticism, guilt-tripping, or silence. The one starts doubting themselves:
“Did I trigger this reaction?”
“Were they right to correct me?”
“Should I apologise?”
The cycle deepens. Most times the “victim” forgets as soon as one beautifully ecstatic moment takes place, until the next “mistake” and crisis takes place.
I don’t want to paint this dynamic as purely black and white. Both parties often contribute to the pattern, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Breaking the Pattern
Have you ever been in this situation? Or known someone who has? Could you have played the role of either the one or the other?
Here are some ways to break free:
For The One (Victim):
Reinforce inner strength: Cultivate self-love and the ability to set boundaries.
Take responsibility for your behaviour: No one else should dictate how you act or feel.
Avoid blame: Don’t blame yourself for allowing the behaviour or the other for exhibiting it. Instead, focus on learning and moving forward.
For The Other (Tormentor):
Release control: Let go of the need to direct or correct others. You’re not responsible for their behaviour.
Process emotions healthily: Find ways to express anger or frustration that don’t involve projecting it onto someone else.
Avoid blame: Don’t judge yourself for your reactions or blame the one for their behaviour. Focus on evolving beyond the need to control.
Evolving Together
Even in a relationship, we are each responsible for our own actions. We’re not here to control or be controlled, to look after or be looked after.
We’re here to evolve.
Sometimes that means growing together; other times, it means parting ways. No one is “right” or “wrong.” We’re all here to learn from one another’s behaviours and patterns.
The key ingredients to breaking the tormentor-victim cycle are:
Trust: In oneself and the other.
Communication: Free-flowing and as ego-free as possible.
Accountability: Owning your feelings and behaviours.
Release: Knowing when to let go of a pattern or situation.
This pattern doesn’t have to define you. It can be a lesson—a stepping stone toward growth, expansion and deeper, more authentic love.
With love,
Camille
Camille, I feel like you wrote this for my last chapter! I feel seen. 💫